In The Middle of The Middle
Everything I have ever read about the happiness curve indicates that things bottom out at around 52 and then you are on the up after that. So why am I dipping at 55?
I guess I have always been a late bloomer. And at the risk of being self indulgent, I am going to let it all hang out here for two reasons: one - I need to write in order to understand what is going on and two - chances are I am not the first or only middle aged woman to have felt like this. I am so grateful to all the women who have illuminated the path for me by being honest and over sharing. So here I go.
Just so you know, I wouldn't call what I am feeling 'depression'. It's more like extreme sensitivity. When I am with women roughly the same age as me - I feel great, happy, connected. But when I step outside the 'tent' I feel alone, vulnerable and lost. Everyone out there seems to be so full of purpose. Its like they are on one of those Poma lifts that pull skiers up the mountain. Their skis are settled in the well worn tracks and they are headed in the right direction. I meanwhile, have fallen off and am sitting in a pile of snow watching them go by.
All feelings of purpose have deserted me. As a journalist and an environmental campaigner my life has been filled with purpose over the last fifteen years. But that sense of self seems to have wandered away. I try to raise my passion for saving the environment, writing fiction, even my beloved morning dance class. Nothing. When I sleep I dream of being on a journey. I am always half packed. I feel like I am between stages. I am going through a passage. My touchstones are dissolving. The word adrift comes up. I look at the lives of friends who are a little older than I and I realise that they are on the other side of this. Three of them are divorced or divorcing. All three have moved out of the houses where they raised their children. Two have changed cities. These women are vital and alive and free right now. I know that's where I want to get to, but I can't imagine how.
Not that I want to get divorced. Although in some ways I feel like this weird no man's land would make more sense if I did. I don't want to get divorced but I do want to be less 'married'; I want our relationship to be more limber, more playful. I too have moved out of the house where I raised my children. I am realising as I write that the difference is - I moved into a house that is still set up for raising children. Our eldest lives with us. He and my husband are working together. I am sure this isn't helping my sense of feeling sidelined from my life. I adore my children. I also really do not want to be a 'Mom' right now - it is honestly like I am allergic to the role. Which means I now take it personally whenever my son casually mentions that we have run out of milk, butter, maple syrup. Feelings of mild maternal failure and deep resentment co-mingle regularly.
I noticed when I was visiting one of my newly single friends - who has begun again at 57, her WiFi code was 'BraveBird' . I long to feel like a brave bird. If I knew what I actually wanted, I would leap at the chance to be a 'BraveBird'. In my free time, I flip through my stack of self-help guides. I meditate. I go to yoga. They help keep me patient. I think of Dr. Seuss', 'Oh The Places You'll Go' and see myself in one of those waiting areas that he describes as no fun. I also remember his warning that 'unsticking yourself is not easily done.'
My parents are getting older. My Dad turned 90 in September and is retaining his health, although he sleeps a lot and he finds it more and more difficult to find words. My mother is younger, however, her memory is going. Nothing dramatic, I am told by her doctor. Just cognitive ageing. I live seven hours away by plane. I went to visit them recently and discovered that being with them is another place where I feel happy.
And yet everything I read about this stage of a woman's life seems to be all about moving away from caregiving. I should be breaking free, starting a business, learning a new language. The women's empowerment guru Mama Gena recommends flirting, dancing, bragging, supporting other women as the path to female happiness. She says its important to unleash one's inner bitch, to masturbate regularly. I get it. I get it, Gena. Its just - I don't want to do any of those things right now. I want calm. I want support. I want tender. Most of all I want to know I'm heading somewhere.
On Cheryl Richardson's blog about middle age I come across a description of, 'The Hero's Journey'. This metaphorical trip is where we, "leave familiar territory, face our demons, travel through the darkness, and find our way to a better life, one more aligned with who we've become."
Demons, I have a few. There is unresolved stuff around money, power, success, the patriarchy - in other words achievement, recognition, unfairness blah blah blah. I have bundled these demons into a grizzly, fanged creature I call, 'The Ego Wolf.' I know that gratitude, compassion and an active spiritual life are my shields against my ego wolf and yet I find it easier to raise these high when I am around like minded people than when I am by myself.
Who have I become? What would my life look like if it were more aligned? It sounds like I might want to be a nun. Watch this space.
